Saturday, 25 June 2011


I'm unsure what possessed me to venture further into the unknown world of baking. I assume it was a combination of my previous mastering of TV dinners combined with a distorted, optimistic delusion concerning my domestic capabilities. By no means did it have anything to do with the happy hour special at my local bar....right!
I found myself wandering down the isles at the local grocery store searching for that one mystery dish that would propel me into the category of a culinary expert. You know what I mean; we all look for it. Fortunately my mechanical aptitude was high so this surely couldn't be beyond my super human skill level.
I blame the store. There should be a large picture of a man with a circle and slash thru it in front of the baking goods isle. Instead they conveniently locate it right next to the milk so you're drawn in by some invisible, magnetic force. Oh they're good...they're realllll gooood.
I'm not a complete cooking stooge. I had the foresight to check the parts required listed on the box of delicious chocolate cake I had chosen. Eggs, pffft, oil, pfffft. This thing was going to just about cook itself ! I could already visualize myself wearing a tall white hat and coat and presenting it to the queen while the crowd applauded. Man I'm good !
I popped open my back door which led directly into the kitchen. Kids could have played in the shower being sprayed by my salvitory glands as I anxiously opened my cake box and set the ingredients on my counter. Hey wait a damn minute, where's the damn frosting? The picture showed frosting ! I can't believe they got me...those **stards! How was I suppose to know all that frosting above the cake mix at the store wasn't for something else? There should have been a big label stamped across the front of the box mix that stated, "FROSTING NOT INCLUDED". Apparently The Betty Crocker Corp wasn't as sophisticated as the companies that developed products that required batteries....idiots! I stormed out the door and soon returned wearing an evil grin and holding the circular can of chocolate delight. I will win this battle. I willll !!
"Toss ingredients in bowl and mix until smooth?" Mix? With a mixer? Hmmmm...I've seen those things before. They look kinda like drill. I'm sure I have a large drill bit that would eventually do the job. Wait, I have a blender ! Blender, mixer, same thing ! Another fifteen minutes and I had the ol blender dug out, washed up, and completely decob webbed. After dumping in the darn cake crap in I popped er on and stared as the eggs quickly dissolved and the powder junk just kind of hovered on top of the mess. WTF ? What kind of handicap blender is this? With a wooden spoon in hand I attacked ! Push, jam, stir, push...brown crud flying all over the counter. I hate cake ! Finally something developed having the consistency of thick mud so I dumped it in a pan and jammed it into my preheated oven. A few more minutes and it's chocolate heaven time. Thank God it's already dark outside.
"DING" Ready, ready, ready! Yes, yes, yes ! Mmmmmmm, mmmmmm, mmmmmm..I can't wait! Let me just pop er out of the old oven and...."OH NOOOOO". As the oven door opened the light came on revealing a dis-conformed mess that resembled a hill. One side of my cake was almost running over the edge of the pan, while the other side was paper thin. Why didn't the directions say to level my oven?? Where's Betty?? I'm going to strangle the witch !! They should have had this box from hell next to the hard liquor !!
After letting the cake and myself cool down for awhile I smeared my damn frosting on my damn cake and ate the damn stuff. Forget the queen, I hate queens anyways. Now I know why they sell cakes already made....less incidents of baking suicides !!! I went to bed !